I’m Swimming In Grey

Words: Faith Thurnwald
Photos: Valentino Koch
Model: Faith Thurnwald


No one likes the angry feminist, the switched on woman. I’ll switch you on then turn you off, ‘cause; no one likes the angry feminist: a turn off.
My mouth open but not to scream, dry with the constant contradiction,
constantly contradicting me, Good woman – bad woman. Paradoxically paralyzed caught in the carnivorous eyes of men: condemned.
Condemned and caught
‘Cause no one likes the angry feminist,
You’d prefer me pretty and placid.
‘Cause you say you like your women smart, but not intelligent and you want my mouth open; vocal but not loud and you want me sexual but not scandalously so.
Well I’m a walking scandal, the scarlet letter of fucked.
‘Cause my anger says fuck off, but my face says fuck me.
You want life black or white while I’m swimming in grey.
You try to dissect my dichotomy.
Even tried lobotomy – how hysterical!
You categorize and compile; the cool girl, or the psycho bitch?
Your vocabulary can’t vocalise – all that I am.


In night you leave me.
By daybreak you’ve gone,
Yet I feel freely
And will not mourn.
For day brings another.
A warm touch on skin-
You were always the other
Cold and sharp as a pin


Another I’ve had
A few come and go
My heart; armour clad
Yet melting like snow.
Not the warmth of day
Nor time, all forgiving
Will help me lay,
Down feelings of misgiving.


When daylight breaks
My first thought is you,
Morning light still aches
These thoughts I wish to subdue.
But you, sharp as a prick
Thoughts flow like blood
And when dry, they do stick,
How do I control this flood?


A routine to distract me,
A coffee or two.
Thoughts float off and flee,
I’m glad they withdrew.
At lunchtime I’m busy
By dinner less so,
Nighttime I am dizzy
And feel so very low.


I wrap myself tightly,
Hold onto my disgust
For thinking of you nightly,
It’s myself I mistrust.
The way I have sinned
In satin sheets so slick
But you do have me pinned
For you really are a prick.